By Walter Rutledge
To beard or not to beard? That is the question the modern man is asking himself. From the simple two-day stubble to facial mane, men are embracing the “hair on their chinny chin chins. O&A NYC Magazine brings you the guide to modern beard and the men who wear them.
The Two-Day Stubble is a sexy unkempt and rugged look. This kind of guy is fun-loving and not looking for anything permanent. He could go camping one weekend, put on a tuxedo and go clean-shaven to the Met the next.
The Sculpted Look has sharp lines requiring high maintenance. This guy loves himself, he looks in the mirror and asks, “Who’s the finest of them all?” but doesn’t wait for the answer. Beware! The only person (other than himself) his man respects is his barber.
The King Tut is technically a goatee not a true beard. The chin growth can range from a few centimeters to a braided protein appendage. It gives the owner a regal appearance, this man listen before he speaks.
The Honest Abe is a classic short beard. This look could get you elected to public office or at least a successful used car salesman. The wearer of this look should approach the theater with caution.
The Osama comes in two levels. The shorter called the Osamalito and the full version referred to as the Jihad. When combined with a turban both looks guarantee a full body cavity search by TSA agents at most metropolitan airports.
The Appalachian is the grand daddy of all beards. Be warned people who wear this look develop a craving to play the banjo and have lustful urges to marry their first cousins.
Women have expressed a special fondness to men with beards. In certain intimate situations the bearded men delivers new and exciting stimulation. Women refer to these men as Carpet Sweepers and “backdoor girls” call the facial hair wonders The Butt Brush.
Women have become so enamored by the current trend that a few have decided to also wear beards. Waxing salons are already bearing the financial brunt, as women proudly sport their moustaches and chin hair, others have resorted to procuring fake facial hair. These women call themselves Grouchos, and give a new meaning to the term “hairy hole”.
The beard is a personal statement, which has become the fashion fad of 2015. Whether you are a wearer or a worshipper the beard is here to stay.